Kailey was due to be born October 29th, and it's getting closer. I'm a wreck, hopefully understandably so. I was supposed to be looking forward to being a mom, but instead am packing away all of my maternity clothes for the next pregnancy. If there is to be one. I'm scared that I'll never get the chance. I know, it's probably irrational, but I can't help but to think that.

Anyway, I found something I wanted to share with you guys. I can't put it up as a deviation, because it's not mine. But this makes me smile, even through the tears and hurt. I love it. It's a poem, called "What Makes a Mother". No one knows who wrote it, but whoever did...knew what they were talking about.

What Makes a Mother? -author unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard Him say

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
What you child is doing today
If youcould see your child smile
with other children and say:

"We go to earth and learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheel
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are OK
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through
And on that day you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start!

So, this is what I found, and what makes me smile. One day, I'll get to be with my baby girl again, I keep holding onto that hope. It's not necessarily happy, but it does keep me contented, for now. It makes it easier. Which is why I don't understand how anyone could lose faith in God, or some higher power, in light of something like this. I know I wouldn't make it through if I didn't believe in God, and Heaven. Because then, there'd be no chance of me seeing my baby girl again... But that's just my opinion, of course.

Anyway, that's about all that's going on right now. Oh, except! We got a new kitten, so that our older cat, Ashe, wouldn't be alone. It's brought about a tremendous change in her. Ruby (our new kitten) has bonded with Ashe and myself in ways I never imagined. Ashe is mama cat. They do everything together, and I love it. It was supposed to make Ashe less lonely, and it's working. Ashe is happier than I've ever seen her!

She never used to be a people-cat, always hissing and clawing anyone who wasn't me or Paul. But now, Dan, Paul's brother, can pet her and pick her up without a problem. She's so happy, and it makes me so happy too. Maybe there is something good that's come of all of this, after all, raising a new kitten is similar to raising a child. Not identical, but similar. So maybe this was a blessing in disguise.

Either way, I'm not so sad. I've got my cats, I've got Paul, and soon we'll be back in Iowa. I can't help but be happier. Though, still, this month has me a little down. But it'll be okay. It always is. Even if it's not ever the same, at least it'll be okay.