First, I stole this survey from because I wanted to see how much I fear...

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f you get more than 30, get some counseling.
If you get more than 20, you’re paranoid.
If you get 11-20, you are normal.
If you get 10 or less, you’re fearless.
People who don’t have any are full of crap.
Tag 10 of your friends and find out whether or not they suffer paranoia.

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I fear ...
[ ] black people
[X] the dark
[ ] staying single forever
[X] being myself in front of others
[X] open spaces
[ ] closed spaces
[X] heights
[ ] dogs
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[X] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants
Total so far: 5

[ ] being touched
[X] fire
[X] deep deep water
[ ] snakes
[ ] silk
[ ] the ocean
[X] failure
[ ] success
[X] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends mom
[ ] rats {I have five of them as pets!}
[X] jumping from high places
[X] snow {driving in it...I panic}
Total so far: 11

[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[X] crossing hanging bridges
[X] death
[X] heaven {I fear that I won't remember the people I loved when I get there}
[ ] being robbed/mugged
[X] falling
[ ] clowns
[ ] dolls
[X] large crowds of people
[ ] men
[ ] women
[X] having great responsibilities
[ ] doctors
[X] tornadoes
Total so far:18

[X] hurricanes
[X] incurable diseases
[ ] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] scary movies
[X] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[X] being alone
[X] becoming blind
[X] becoming deaf
[X] growing up, old
Total so far: 25

[X] creepy noises in the night
[X] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[X] needles
[X] blood

Grand Total: 29

Result:
Wow, I guess I'm paranoid. I suppose I don't need counseling for any of my fears, but they didn't have some of my other fears listed. I fear that I might be a bad parent, I fear that I might end up abusive like my father, I fear becoming like my brother, and I'm sure there's more. But that's what I remember right now... And I'm not tagging anyone, if you want to do it, feel free.

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Now, on to other things. Firstly, I was reading another friend's journal entry, and it was about racism. At its core, I believe. And I found that I am (once again) struck by the need to speak my mind. I despise racism, even if we are all somewhat racist at our core. I have a friend at school, Natalie, and how do I describe her? She's tall, pretty, and Hispanic. I've been told that's racist (by my English teacher my first semester). I don't know anyone who doesn't use skin color/nationality to describe people. I don't think it's that wrong, and in truth, I have been told that I'm more compassionate in the way I describe people. I don't use Black, Mexican, Jewish, or anything like that to describe people. There is a man who comes to the bar here, and everyone calls him Jerry the German. Is that wrong?

Now, my problem with racism is that the term is overused and underused at the same time. In places where it count, like the conversation my online friend recounted having with his mother, that's when people need to be aware they're being racist, and should check themselves to be polite or not offensive. Yet, in situations like college funding, I've been told I'm racist because I think there should have been a caucasian college fund. How is that racist, exactly? I mean, there are college funds for EVERY other ethnicity - believe me, I checked. I researched it for my paper in English. But because I believe that caucasians should have a college fund too, I'm racist. I don't see how that's right. I don't see how my saying that is racist. Because we're the majority? So, because I couldn't afford to go to college, and because my mother and father couldn't afford to send me, because I was smart enough NOT to have children or get married before I was ready for it, and because I was smart enough NOT to incur debt that I didn't know if I could repay, I had to be punished? I think it's the other people who were being racist, and denying me the chance to become someone better based on my skin color.

It's impossible to be racist against caucasians, though. That's what I've been told. How is that possible? It's alright for other ethnicities to show pride in who they are, but not for me? That's not right, either. If I decide to show that I have "white pride", I'm racist. I'm not a skinhead, I'm not KKK, and I'm NOT being unkind to those who are not caucasian. In fact, I have friends that are not caucasian, and I love them dearly. I don't care about skin color, I care about the person beneath. And, really, I'm not about to go off saying I have "white pride", because I'm actually just proud of me for being me, but I don't think it's right to ridicule those who would innocently do so. Also when doing my paper, I researched an incident at a middle school in the United States. A student there had wanted to establish a Caucasian Club, because the school already had Hispanic Clubs, Korean Clubs, and others. Yet she was denied, on the grounds that it was racist. Wait a minute, she's being denied because of her skin color? Isn't the racism happening from the other side?

It's so easy to call someone racist, it really is, but I think in some things, people just go too far with it. And then, they don't go far enough where they should. It's really, really frustrating to me, no doubt about it. But I'm through with my rant, I'll be quiet now. About that, anyway. And I'll move on to other things.

I've been sick lately, after I had to make a trip to Iowa for a funeral. On the drive home, which was six hours, I had to stop a total of six times to go to the bathroom. Turns out I had an infection - I'm sorry if that's too much information for some people, really! I had bladder spasms as we pulled into the driveway, because I thought going to the bathroom a lot was just a symptom of pregnancy. I had Paul drive me to the hospital, because I could barely slide out of the car I was in so much pain, and I was there for about an hour. Good news! The ER is TERRIFIED of pregnant women! So I spent all of half a minute there before they shuffled me directly to labor and delivery. Ha!

But I'm better now, although I'm preparing for a second trip to Iowa. Paul's cousin, Emily, is getting married and my mother is reportedly having a baby shower for me. So I'm sort of obligated to go.

Oh, and I actually heard the heartbeat of the baby!! I tell you what, that is the most AMAZING thing I have ever heard! I've got an active baby; he/she was moving around all over the place in my belly! And they make it uncomfortable, at night they like to lay on my bladder, so I'm always up and down, even now that my stupid UTI is gone. Oh, and the other unfortunate thing I found out...I'm low on Iron, anemic, they say. So now, on top of prenatal vitamins, I have to take an iron supplement too. Yuck.

I want to be doing more painting and writing, but that's not happening yet; I've got so much that I have to do for the trips, and with my doctor's visits. Anyway, I think I probably have to go now, to get things in order for the trip, since we're leaving on Thursday after Paul's off work. Talk to you guys later!